Jareds deep thoughts

It's sick that I don't write in here everyday like I use to.  I thought this was my sanctuary away from the world when I started up, but I got so use to other things that I forgot about this.  From now on I wanna get back into the habit of writing on here what I don't feel like writing anywhere else. So here goes my first real entry excluding the one I had back in April.

I think it's scary that whenever me and my fiance' have what I like to call "good days" that I am miserable.  I guess after months of being treated like shit and stepped on that it's given me a right to be somewhat happy because it allows me to think that when she does treat me like shit I can leave.  I know it's wrong of me to even think about that, but if you've seen the way i've been beaten down and battered emotionally then you have to realize why that when we are alright it makes me nervous.

My family have been giving me great advice about leaving her and how that it would probably be the best.  It just drives me nuts sometimes. I don't know what to think anymore and I have to really do some soul "fuckin" searching.

I understand I have no job right now and it's hard for me to keep up with everything but i'm trying my best to find something.  I like to see everyone one of you to start looking for a jump start in your career, it happens especially when it's your career. I'm doing my best and by not going out like I normally do it does help.  And I've been helping others has kind of thinned out my savings account really has screwed me over.  I know you've heard it all before...boo hoo hoo..hoo.

So I basically have a lot of time on my hand during the day and I've been spending it for the last few weeks/days looking online for job opprotunities.  Well there are other things that can be done around the house, such as laundry, clean the bathroom, pick up my room, empty the dishwasher..etc.. I do most of that when i'm home. 

Now when dinner is done I put the dishes away and I put everything that I put out away as well.  When the laundry piles up, if i'm not doing any outside errands I do the laundry.  Now tonight I just forgot to put my last load back in the room.  Whoops I made a mistake...*OH MY I'M HUMAN*  When the dishes pile up in the dishwasher or if the dishwasher isn't full after dinner I will put all the dirty plates in the dishwasher.  It's just something that is habit for me since I started living with my grandparents. 

So when I dont' empty out the dishwasher...OOPS I WILL GET IT DONE!! Everyone automatically assumes i'm doing it to because I am being lazy.  I'm so tired of being bothered that I am forget one day or that i'm "not doing it" and everyone else around the house has to pick up after me.  I get that there are other people who do put in their weight around here.  And they feel not appreciated and they have to do everything.  I get that they are putting in long hours and sacrificing a lot.  I GET THAT AND THANK YOU!!!  Do they not see me putting the stuff away or the empty dishwasher?  What annoys me the most is that they discuss it behind my back and dont' tell me!! That is the kind of shit that starts fights...Be honest..GOD!!!

Another thing.....I don't need constant reminders about my bills. I know that closing my eyes wont make them disappear.  I will get them taken care of...it doesn't help that people are reminding me i'm in debt is just going to annoy and weigh me down further.  There are clear skies ahead but i'm so far in the dark clouds are all I can see. 

So last night was a first for me.  Not only was it my first night back to work in almost a week it was also the first time since I moved down here was that I felt out of my element.  I felt like I didn't belong, like I was apart of the problem rather than the solution.  I don't know why.  I can't explain it.  But the entire night I was at work my stomach and mind felt wrong.  I actually felt that way when I went home yesterday morning.  All day even when I was with my dad there was something out of place that just didn't sit with me.  I think I have a theory why...so just bear with me.

As everyone knows a friend of mine from high school passed away and I had to go up the funeral.  Well it was a shitty way to meet some of my old friends but it was really good to see them.  For the first time I felt at home.  Not that I didn't feel like that whenever I went up there but there was a sense of completion.  Like I came full circle.  I can't really speak too confidently cause i'm still in school but there was completion. 

I can't explain why but I hate the fact that tragedy brought us all together but I remembered what Sarah's mom said to her before hand.  It wasn't something to look at in a bad way.  But it was a time of reflection of a new life for my friend and a time to thankful and celebrate for those we have.  Those words hit me in a way I never thought possible. I dont' know why   but you would think every older adult I've come across has said it...maybe I didn't want to accept it at that time.  Maybe that's why I'm feeling so rejuvinated and feeling that sense of closeness and family when I went up there.  Something finally clicked...I dont' know why.

So I think that this new year i'm going to make sure that I get back in touch with those I lost contact with over the years.  I've done pretty well the last half of this year and I know I can't get back in touch with EVERYBODY but I can try.  I just want to let those who I do know that I love you all and I thank you for being there.  Let's have a great new year

First off sorry for not posting anything in about a month....

For the last couple of days have been a blessing in disguise.  I know for some who are reading they're kind of thinking i'm out of my mind but you have to understand where I'm coming from.  On Christmas day I found out from my good friend Nickie up in Wisconsin that a friend whom I went to high school with was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve.  Frankly not the kind of news I want to be hearing, especially on a day more known for cheerful times.  While I may have complained and felt annoyed with all the running around Sarah's mom made Sarah and I do it really took my mind off my friend Megan's death. 

Last night I had my usual moment where I would miss Sarah after she dropped me off but my cousin called and I hung out with my friends and they kept me cheery.  So therefore my mind was somewhere else and too tired to really think about it by the time I got home.  Today at school I was the busiest I had been in a while.  I worked on an opening for my show and my a cd for my girlfriend which also doubled for a demo.  I swear I get in my "zone" and it's really hard to pull me out of it sometimes.  Afterwards I met up with my cousin and my friend and once again we were able to keep busy enough where my real train of thought wasn't on the bad news.  My friend Greg called and I was briefly reminded but I was able to switch back. 

Now I sit here and I have really thought about the last two days and I just want to say that I will miss Megan dearly.  It's one of those things that brings a town together because everyone knows one another and in some way it comes back to you.  Well tomorrow I have to head up to Burlington to say to my final goodbyes to a friend and I really hate going through with this.  If you please just help me out these next couple of days and give me the strength to carry on.

 

    The reason why I have Casino Royale' up there separate from the other Bond Movies is that this one didn't feel like the normal Bond movie. The original ones were spectacular on their own. Sean Connery's Bond fought during the Cold War and the whole spy movie was new at that time and Connery's Bond never focused on the gadgets as much. 

    By the time Roger Moore was Bond the cold war was over so their was no "real threat" just maniacs trying to take over the world. *Cue Pinky and The Brain Music* And he had this non serious take towards it. So therefore as much as I love Live and Let Die, and A View To A Kill, they still didn't feel up to par as the rest. I really haven't watched the Timothy Dalton ones cause well....never thought he was that intriguing. I'll watch them mainly cause their Bond films...that's about it. 
     I love Pierce Brosnan...he did his best job as Bond as he possibly could. The problem was that his movies were out there. I mean Tomorrow Never Dies pretty much the main villian was Rupert Murdoch looking for more ratings. World is Not Enough who's going to believe Denise Richards as a scientist in a halter top and hot pants? The only good thing about that was John Cleese as the new Q. God rest Desmond Llewelyn. Die Another Day....what can I say about that movie if you've seen the 19 previous movies you've seen this one. They pretty much took all the elements of those movies and put it in that one and said it was original. MMMM SURRRE. Halle Berry as the good Bond girl? C'mon!! I wanted the other one to be the good one. I guess Micheal Madsen was a little bonus.
      So enter Daniel Craig as the new Bond. YES!!!!! They got it right!!!! I believed this guy was Bond. Whoever says just because his hair is blonde can go fuck themselves...seriously. Pierce Brosnan was too GQ...this guy is rough around the edges. Very raww and intense. The moment I watched his movie Layer Cake I knew he was going to make an awesome Bond. And with this Bond, he fucks up, bleeds, shows that he's human, he has a sensitive side, he can love, there is so much emotion behind you now know why he goes through girls like tissue.
    And they way that we get to see that even Bond was an ameteur...wow there's sooo much I can say about it. They didn't rely on gadgets, and we saw a different side of the character. One we never saw before. Cause think about it...in Dr. No Sean Connery was Bond and although it was the first movie he was already a seasoned pro at the spy game. Here we press the restart button and we get to see this character become who he is...and hopefully just like what Martin Campbell did with this one I would like to see other directors take the material seriously as possible. This movie will launch Daniel Craig into superstardom

Well monday I went up to Wi to visit this great girl and I saw a lot of potential as not only a great gf but as great person who was stong and independent but if needed she could confide in me with ANYTHING she wanted to...sleeping and I mean just that sleeping next to her is wonderful cause I can feel safe and comfortable at the same time staring into her eyes I tend to get lost and she can see a lot in me that I didn't know I had...Tuesday I made a decision on my own that I felt was the right move, yea it was a ballsy decision, but the right one...Wednesday my car crapped out on me as usual as it does always around this time of year and this great girl from Wi wanted to be apart of my life....thursday I had a great night as I did tonight...so all around my week wasn't that bad

Well the last two days have certainly been interesting I can tell you that much. First and foremost I quit my job at Max and Erma's. As most of you might know that every weekend I come out of it more burnt out than when I started and I just couldn't take it anymore. Oh well I have a job lined up that will actually help repay some bills and then I will go back into the waiting world. Last night was great my buddies, jordan, scott and I all went to go see Tom Savini the kind of splatter and special effects of all the classics such as the original Dawn of The Dead, Friday the13th...etc... I definetely got my $5 worth. I also got to see my friend's Ariel and Jenna and I haven't seen them in ages!
It was funny cause on the way to the train station this morning my car started smoking on the inside so I go and I roll down the window, my handle broke! OMG!! So now it's in the shop getting repaired. I bet you are all thinking man this can't get any worse. Well I actually dont look at it like that because there are things that could be A LOT worse than all of those incidents you just have to smile laugh about it and move on. Crack a joke if you must but dont dwell on it like it's the end of the world.

I've come to realize that if you miss one day of readin your friend's LJ's you miss a lot that's going on in their lives.  I'm not trying to be tied up.  I should have this be apart of my routine.  I like to know what's going on when I can't talk w/people. 

I'm not going into much detail of how I feel right now cause i've said it all before.  I want to thank you all for sticking by me.  I know this is leading towards something and I have a great look at it, but the fact that i'm burnt out is not a good feeling.  I think i'm going to drop my sundays at work cause I need some time to recharge.  I think i've earned it.

Some great advice out there from Bill Murray in the movie Broken Flowers:

Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That's it.

Besides the shows I already watch I have finally found two shows on monday I can watch.  I now don't have to wait till the middle of the week for the good stuff to start.  Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip first "grown up" show that i've ever taken a chance with besides the CSI's I guess...and Heroes!! One episode already drawn in.  Who will use their powers for good?  Will some use them for evil?  I'm already wondering how Ali Larter's character use her powers, looked like her alter ego kind of enjoyed the killing.  Who knows?  I know where I'll be next week.

I know my title shares the name of one of the most drug induced movies of all time and probably one of the best movies ever known to man, but this has nothing to do with that.  I am reaching about 32 hrs of no sleep and I feel fine.  I do have to say that the event I worked this morning for Kiss Fm sure felt like a dream.  I didn't bother going to bed last night cause I received a phone call from my promotions coordinator saying there was an event down by the NBC 5 studios on Michigan Ave. So I left my house around two and proceeded to do my usual routine when I head down there.  I hopped on the el, and I have to say I swear I saw the same guy begging for money today that I saw on sunday.  I took a quick nap, got off at my stop and headed down to the studio.  Now I don't know if any of you have ever been downtown chicago in the early hours of the morning, but it is the most surreal sights that you will ever see.  
There is no bumper to bumper traffic, no people with their cups of coffees in their hands rushing getting to where they need to go.  Just quiet.  I felt like the whole city belonged to me.  I then proceeded to stand in the rain for 2.5 hrs with people dressed up as fruit  "protesting" that we should stop eating unhealthy foods and we should start eating healthy and drinking a juice called Naked.  Anyone else hear of this stuff?  The ironic thing is that they had a couple dozen Dunkin' Donuts there.  Around 6:30 it started to downpour and we were let go and I had to make my way back to the train station in this downfall, I couldn't go on, the rain was too much.  I hitched a cab and made it back to the train.  I eventually got home, and I passed out.  When I woke up everything had seemed like it was all a dream.  That  none of it had happened and I had thought up the whole thing.

trying out something new here I hope all of you had a good weekend!!

Oh man did I have a good weekend....it was loooong but fun!!!! It started out on friday and continued through sunday.  Granted Sunday was the only day I somewhat "rested."  Friday night I called up my buddy to make sure he was back in town...and he was!!!  I'm glad to have him back.  I went over to his house and I chilled with him and his roommate from school.  We ended up playing Scene It: James Bond. I GOT OWNED!!!!  My buddy knew wayy too much about James Bond, but it was fun.  We then headed out to see Talladega Nights that was my second time I loved it again!  After that headed out to BW3 for a brew.  The following day after a good night, I mean day I hung out w/my buddy Sean again and then headed out to my cousin's!!! Man it was great seeing him, I haven't seen him in ages!  Love that kid!! Found out he has a fun new toy.   After the trip to my cousin's I went out to see my buddy Jordan at Idol's man was he gone!! I had to drive him home that night, during all that my co worker marie called me and asked if I wanted to hang out w/her and some of my other co workers.  That was greeeaat.  I ended up staying there due to safety reasons.  Let's just say sunday was a long day at work.  Came home had dinner and went to watch the Summerslam ppv.  I'm still feeling the after effects of saturday night/sunday morning, feels like my chest got kicked in by someone wearing steel toed boots, and my face looks like I got into a fight w/a cheese grater at least on the right side.  man good times man good times

I agree w/ chosen5x5 all around. I had a similar rant to this last week about the comic convention I attended.  Oddly enough kristen bell was apart of this

In My Opinion

Just in case for those who don't have myspace...I have a new internet radio show at the school I'm attending and tomorrow is my first day with my new show.  So if you are near a computer tomorrow from 3-5pm go to www.1049theedge.com and listen.  I hope you guys do

So tonight was the first night that me and my ex/best friend (who knew ex's could be best friend's?) saw each other in almost two years.  The last time we saw each was a very special encounter...I don't want to go into much details.  So her and I just hung out, we went out to eat, got a couple of drinks, and went back to the same restaurant for more food.  It was very fun and just seeing her and catching up, there was this feeling deep down inside of me that wanted to kiss her.  To take her away and give her this passionate kiss, one like I have never given her before.  BUUUUT I couldn't....  Throughout the entire time there was that voice saying that I should do it...but there was that other voice saying don't do it man she has a boyfriend.  If I didn't respect her wishes, or if I was someone who I use to be I wouldn't have cared, but i'm not and I do respect her a lot.  It was a test but she was going through the same thing so i'm glad I didn't feel alone in it.  There is a lot of feelings that her and I have still towards one another but i'm trying to avoid drama.

I enjoy any excuse to be cheeseball about my friends.... so here.

1) Reply to this if you want me to tell you how cool you are!

2) Watch my journal for a few days for a post just about you and why you rock my socks.

3) Post these instructions in your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration!

It's been awhile since i've written about the weekend, just a lot of stuff going on right now that doesn't need to be made public.  At least in my opinion.  The weekend was decent for me, friday night I hung out with my buddy Jordan, we saw Miami Vice.  Good movie in my opinion, I don't care what anyone says, that's what Miami Vice the show was all about.  The drama and how much it sucks sometimes being an undercover cop. 

Saturday I worked, typical waste of time again.  Later on that night I went out and I was in this karaoke competition, I sang "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver.  I had a cowboy outfit, jeans, shirt i'm wearing in that pic, boots, and a cowboy hat. I was into it and so was everyone else.  It was great!  And I found out earlier tonight I made it! Well at least into the next round.  Today there was a moment practically direct out of the movie Waiting. It was more positive than what happened, but there was a scene where the main kid was waiting on a group and one of the guys was like "you should work for me" and it turned out to be another restaurant manager.  Well I was helping a family and my timing and everything was perfect.  Going to get everything they needed, so cut to after they leave I look at the book and under my tip slip is a coupon for a free appetizer at Smokey Bones and his card.  He was the manager and he was recruiting!  I might take it....

well till then adios!

I hate waking up in the mornings feeling like shit!!